Why is self-care so hard when you have a chronic illness?

If you're living with a chronic illness and struggling to look after yourself, I’m writing this with you in mind.

Not in a "here's a ten-step morning routine" kind of way. More in a "let's talk about what's going on" kind of way.

Because if you've found yourself picking up and putting down your journal for the tenth time, starting a new self-care regime only to abandon it a week later, or telling yourself you're lazy for not managing to do the basics, I want to gently push back on that story you're telling yourself.

The bit nobody says out loud

You'd think that after years of living with a chronic condition, you'd have this stuff figured out. And in some ways, you do…you know your body, you know your limits, you've navigated more flares than you can count.

But lately, maybe it's feeling harder than it used to. The tolerance you used to have for the difficult days feels thinner. The burnout is real. And somewhere along the way, self-care started to feel like yet another thing you're failing at.

What if we looked at it from another angle though? What if your struggle with self-care during a flare has nothing to do with laziness, and everything to do with self-worth?

This is something that comes up again and again in my work with clients. They arrive burnt out and frustrated with themselves, convinced that the problem is willpower or motivation. But when we dig a little deeper, what we often find underneath is a real erosion of trust in themselves. And when that trust isn't there, showing up for yourself can feel completely pointless.

Why Your Routines Keep Falling Apart

Can we also not forget that we live in a wellness culture that is, frankly, a BIT much.

Self-care is supposed to look a certain way. It needs to be consistent, it needs to be aesthetic, it needs to be perfect. And when you're managing a chronic illness on top of that the gap between what's expected and what's actually possible on a difficult day can feel enormous.

So what tends to happen is that you psych yourself up, you plan the routine, maybe you even invest in some new bits to help you stay motivated. And then a flare hits, or a bad week happens, and the whole thing falls apart. And instead of giving yourself credit for the times you did show up, you focus on the fact that you've "given up again"… and that inner critic gets a little louder each time.

But you're not looking at this clearly when you're in that place. You're viewing each attempt in isolation, as another failure, rather than as part of a much bigger picture of someone who keeps trying, despite everything they're dealing with.

Self-care must keep the candle industry in business!

What Might Help Instead

One of the things I work on with clients is gently unpicking their beliefs around productivity and perfectionism because those beliefs tend to run the show when it comes to self-care.

When we start to challenge the idea that care must be perfect to count, something starts to shift. And one of the simplest ways I know to begin rebuilding self-trust to pick one small action each day that feels like showing up for yourself. It can be tiny. Wiping your face with a wipe. Drinking a glass of water. Sitting by the window for five minutes.

That's it.

Because when we show up for ourselves consistently (even in the smallest of ways) our brain slowly starts to get the message that we are worthy of that care. Those small, boring moments of follow-through build something. They slowly build up to a much more solid confidence in who we are and what we're capable of.

And over time, that's what starts to move things forward. Not the perfect routine. Not the new planner. Just the small, consistent act of doing something kind for yourself, and letting that be enough.

If you notice yourself beating yourself up for not sticking to a rigid regime, try reframing it:

 "I am showing up for myself when I can."

It sounds simple, but that shift in how we talk to ourselves matters more than most people realise.

It’s not just you...

If any of this has resonated, I just want you to know that this is one of the most common things I see in my work. The women I support aren't struggling because something is wrong with them. They're struggling because they've been carrying a lot, for a long time, often without enough support.

If you're curious about whether therapy might help, my door is open. Feel free to get in touch and we can have a chat about where you're at.

Here if you need me,

Kirsty x