Why do I struggle to rest?

I had a day off completely to myself with no commitments last week and I nearly walked into my office by accident.

Got home from nursery drop off at half 8 and just... stood there. Like, okay, lovely. Whole day to myself. What now.

I genuinely nearly walked into my office out of habit. Just on autopilot (which probably says something about working from home that I don't want to think about too hard rn!).

So I put the telly on instead. Watched two episodes of Raising Chelsea. But I wasn't really watching it, I was doomscrolling at the same time, so I wasn't actually relaxing, I was just doing two things badly. I ate a load of Easter chocolate not even because I particularly wanted it but because it gave me something to do with my hands.

Just before lunch I got in the bath to see if that would sort me out. And it did, a little bit. After that I read some of my book, ordered myself a sneaky Domino’s lunch as a treat, and watched the season finale of Shrinking (side-note..highly recommend!!).

If only all the bubble baths could be like this...

And then it was nearly time to collect my little one and I had this moment of “oh shite, the day off is gone and what do I have to show for it?”.

Even then. Still looking for something to show for it.

It was a weird day. Not what I imagined when I thought about having time to myself.

And I've been thinking about why, because I think it's more than just being a parent who doesn't get much time alone, although that's definitely part of it. But I think I’m still really struggling with how to rest without it feeling like I'm wasting something. Like rest only counts if I go into it already feeling fine, not when I need it. I was tired. I needed a chill day. I didn't want to go out, I was wrecked. But instead of just letting that be okay, there was this background noise the whole time, this low-level itch, like I should be doing something more with the time.

And I think that's because we've all been fed the same message our whole lives. That what you produce is what you're worth. That burnout is something to be proud of. That rest is something you have to earn, and even then you'd better not enjoy it too much or for too long. It's everywhere. It's in how we talk about our weekends, how we answer "what have you been up to", how uncomfortable silence and stillness can feel even when we're exhausted.

I find it really maddening when I think about it. Because it's not like we chose to absorb this, it’s at societal level, just seeping in. And now here I am, a therapist who literally talks about this stuff for a living, spending the first half of my day off in a weird state of mild panic because I wasn't being productive enough with my free time. The irony is not lost on me!!

For my clients living with chronic illness this isn't just an uncomfortable Wednesday though. It's every day. Their body makes the decision to rest, and that voice, the one asking what do you have to show for it, doesn't care. It just gets louder. And when you're already dealing with pain, fatigue, the whole relentless reality of being chronically ill, having that running in the background the whole time is a lot.

I wanted to share this because I know how hard it is to rest without guilt. I'd been struggling with my own pain recently, been properly unwell, and I still spent half a day off finding ways to not quite let myself off the hook. I talk to my clients about this all the time and I mean every word of it. But I'm also still working on it myself. And I think that's okay. It's a work in progress for most of us, myself included. So, if you're finding it hard too, just know I'm right there with you, still figuring it out, and we can keep working on it together.

Here as always if you need some support,

Kirsty x